I don’t know why I remembered today but I did. Maybe it was because I saw you today and I was thinking about you a lot. It’s odd because I see you often enough, so I don’t know why I thought of this. To be honest I had tucked it away because I was so shameful, I was so horrible. I really was a petulant and wretched little cunt back then, it is a wonder you are still my friend. 

 

I’m sorry.

 

I know I’ve said sorry to you before for acting like I did, but it shames me so much. I threw snowballs at your face, I pushed you to the ground, I called you those names. How could I. Standing right there in your face, laughing, I called you a gook, a chink, a jap. I am ashamed now for treating you like that and I was ashamed back then for being the same as you. 

 

We were kids, but that was no excuse for me to humiliate you like that. The names that other kids called me I just deflected onto you. I know you say that it didn’t hurt, but it hurt me well enough so I can only imagine how you must have felt. Maybe that’s why even today you try to fit in as much as possible.

 

Thats all I was trying to do, just fit in. I wanted to be just like all the other kids in our church school. Making fun of the funny looking Korean kids (we were the only ones), calling them names that didn’t make sense, names that we didn’t even know the meaning of. I wanted to be white and I most surely didn’t want to be different. So I picked on you. But picked isn’t even the right words, I was a monster. 

 

I’m sorry.

 

Then a few year later we were teenagers and I called you out of the blue. We rehashed a friendship that certainly shouldn’t have even exsisted. And you came to the formal with me. You were the first girl I really kissed and the first girl I knew I was in love with. 

 

We maintained our friendship all through high-school although it was hard with you going to a different school. And I still loved you, although I never told you and I would never have admitted it to myself, at least not at the time. I wish i had. I wish I had apologized to you sooner. I wish I wouldn’t have been so scared of loving you. 

 

I still remember lying on the living room floor, not knowing what I was doing, kissing you. Feeling simply over the moon that I was with someone who was like me, just like me. But feeling ashamed at the same time for being with someone who was just like me. Why did we have to know each-other under these circumstances. Growing up in towns where we were the only ones. In places where our parents wanted us to just fit in and be like all the other kids. Not just like them in that we played sports or went to summer camps or attended church school. But the same color of our skin, the same mannerisms, the same way of suburban thinking. If I had met you living in the city or even in a bigger town where everyone wasn’t so pale skinned maybe I wouldn’t have called you those names or pushed you into the snow. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so scared about people knowing I had kissed an Asian girl or even that I was in love with someone of my own race. Why did it have to be here, like this.

 

I’m sorry. 

 

How could a boy who from behind the same narrowed eyes say such dubious things. I don’t know. I hate myself for being ashamed of who I am, and I hate myself hating who you are. I wanted you to be white, I wanted to be white. Now what is left but a couple of kids who have grown apart, who by all accounts should have be closer. Back then we had it all going, everything except who we thought we had to be.

 

Like I said I don’t know why I was thinking of this or what brought back such memories. I suppose such atrocious things can not stay locked away forever. I truly am shameful and I wish I could go back and do it all over again. Maybe I would be happy now, maybe you would be happy too. 

 

I’m sorry.

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