Lately I have been going to sleep with the same thought buzzing through my head. “I hate myself” the voice says as I try desperately to lull myself to sleep. Now a days I have two fans buzzing and music playing to try and drown out these wicked thoughts and it works to an extent. But I can’t help but remember when I wake up each morning the last thought that went through my head was, “I hate myself”.
Why?
Why is it that I think this?
Why is it that I feel this way?
I wonder sometimes within my conscience and some times aloud. How did it get this way. When did I become such a negative bastard. I try and look for the good, the purple patches, but all I see is a man who has nothing to behold.
But who is it that I have become, besides a self destructing worm.
Who was the man before him?
I really can’t be bothered for answers. I seem to think that before all this went pear shaped I was living in delusion. Maybe I thought my position was higher than it actually was. But I can’t be sure and there in lies the problem. How do I know who I am or if I am being myself if everything I have based upon is so unsure.
Am I am man of character and subustance?
Am I resilient with a persevering attitude?
Am I Korean, American, White, Brown, Adopted, Asian, Refugee, Orphan?
Well who the fuck knows. I surely don’t. For a long time I was told I was one thing, then I was told I was another, then another. Then after that I was told I wasn’t this or I wasn’t that. Each time my self image was twisted and bent. Previous tags had become null or repeated. Even more part of images seemed to overlap, whilst some were renamed and chopped and changed for others.
So today I am left with a very dull and rather confusing image of who I am. Some will say that I should not listen to others and listen to my heart. Only there will I find the true image of who I am. My reply would be a thank you for the advice, but my heart has long since abandoned me and I suspect is on a beach somewhere in Croatia.
Croatia??? Why the fuck would it go there. Well it heard the beaches there are quite divine as are the women, and it is on the Mediterranean after all so the food is probably half way decent. So Croatia it is, let him be happy, God knows it was nothing but strife living with me.
So the question still begs, how am I not myself.
The Little KAD Prince 
12 comments
Comments feed for this article
September 22, 2008 at 11:50 am
Gershom
I remember feeling like that. Find a purpose, do you have one that means everything to you? For me, it became Adoptee Rights. For you, it may be very different, find something that means more to you than anything and run with it. I see you as beautiful, expressive, talented, but it doesn’t matter what I see, it matters what you see. Our hearts have holes in them for being through what we’ve been through ( in my opinion that is ) so if I were to sit and listen to my heart all day, my heart would say run, hide and fuck the world. So I focus on the movement, and my family that I have made.
Do what you will, I hope life becomes pleasant for you and you can sleep one day telling yourself how wonderful you are and how beautiful you have become.
Be well, you deserve it.
September 22, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Sung-Kyun
Thank you Gershom. You words are some of the kindest I have received. I just seem to have so many questions and no sense of direction. I thought I found something that meant the world to me and I was let down and utterly fooled and disappointed. No I am left scratching my head wondering what to do now. I feel completely useless and just wonder if I am any good at all. But thank you for the kind words.
September 22, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Gershom
I am so saddened when I see other adoptees down. I have posted your blog to an adoptee group I go to and I hope some will come to support you through these times, or maybe you will join us there? http://adultadoptees.org
September 22, 2008 at 6:34 pm
ulb1963
Totally. Come to AdultAdoptees. We don’t have beautiful white beaches but we have the best smiley emoticons this side of the Adriatic Sea. I know what you’re talking about. And I’m so sorry you’re hurting.
September 22, 2008 at 6:57 pm
joy21
We don’t have beaches like the Dalmation Coast?
That sucks for us.
Damn.
You are having invasive thoughts, I have had those too.
I am sorry.
You are a survivor, you have lived through such loss and you are still here.
hugs.
September 22, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Laurie
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It really can be hard. I do hope, too, that you come over to Adult Adoptees. It’s a good, supportive and fun forum where people “get it.”
September 22, 2008 at 7:46 pm
unknownindybabygirl
Its a battle that all adoptees face. Some admit it like you and me. Some don’t. Its the edge that we walk every day. Like Gershom, its fighting for adoptee access across this country. Its helping others find. Its helping mothers and fathers keep their children. Its writing my thoughts and feelings. Its reading a good book. Its homeschooling my children.
Take a knee my friend, I got your back.
September 23, 2008 at 12:25 am
girl4708
hey little prince
at wordpress i am girl4708, but normally i am almost human
i found out this week that a holt number is probably the closest thing to a name i’ll ever have, so wtf
i can relate to your moniker
to be totally alone on a little planet, your heart bursting because you care about so much, then losing even that, and then finding the world is mad and doesn’t understand what’s important
i used to dream of france and then i dreamed of cuba and then i dreamed of a backyard and for awhile i dreamed of getting out of bed
i’ve heard the croatian coast is beautiful, unspoiled
now i dream about changing hearts and minds about adoption
dream dream dream
you aren’t a negative bastard
you really do exist
i see you
September 23, 2008 at 4:53 am
HeatherUK
Hugs from another adult adoptee
September 23, 2008 at 8:44 am
Sung-Kyun
WOW!!
Thank you everyone for the tremendous support. I am actually on adultadoptees.org. I believe I go by the same name as this blog. Little KAD Prince. I’ll have to check though it’s been a while since I have been there.
Again thank you all. Hopefully I’ll be able to weather this storm.
September 23, 2008 at 9:00 am
dory
So much of ourselves was left behind as we were passed on to that “better life” that I’m not sure any adoptees are really truly themselves.
It’s hard to find and connect with that true self when it was hurt from the get-go. That was not supposed to happen and we weren’t given any tools (and usually no compassion) in how to deal with it. We were expected to be happy about it – what a mindf*ck.
I wish I could reach through my monitor and hug you.
September 28, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Gershom
the support in this thread is soooo wonderful.