Ahhhhhh!!!!! Just shut up and listen. And if you don’t get it well then………..fucking try harder yeah. 

 

These were the word that ran through my head, the ones that were left unsaid to you. I wanted to get angry and scream and shout and have another argument; hell I was angry, still am. That’s why I’m at one in the bloody morning writing this out. But I stayed reserved once again. Kept it all bottled so that I wouldn’t cause a disturbance. Because what is one more shouting match huh? Keeping quite is better for both of us. Plus I can just hear the conversation you and your brother are going to have tomorrow regarding my ill will or ungratefulness towards being adopted. I know he is your brother, but come on he is a fucking mug. He is one of the most screwed up people I know (well besides that messed up offspring of yours that I call my brother). I wish he would just got home already, I mean isn’t he married after all. Or did he turn that to shit too.

 

Anyway back at it. So yeah ummmm…….congratulations for making me feel more strange that I already do. Your little talks really have a way of just digging at me, right on the soft mushy part thats already open and sore from me running over it again and again in my head. It’s probably because you just don’t see why I hurt, and when you generalize and marginalize what I am feeling inside it makes it hurt even more. I know you will never be able to see what I see or feel what I am feeling, but don’t make me feel like I am wrong for being this way. I sure as hell didn’t ask for it. I don’t want to be so torn up inside trying to figure out who I am in relation to race, heritage, family, blood, identity, etc etc. If I didn’t have to have the feeling I wouldn’t. Believe you me buster, this shit is whack. Ha. 

 

Now I know I didn’t turn out like the other Korean adoptees your friends bought. Sorry I guess I am just defective. Sorry I couldn’t go to MIT on a full scholarship(even though the family has more money than God, but hey full scholarship, now that just showing off how great yellow babies are) and be rocket scientists like the two brothers the family down the street picked up. But you know how much I hate Massachusetts and that stupid Boston accent, I mean my ears practically bleed when I hear it. I apologize for not being a pre-law major then changing my mind to become teacher instead like the other KAD boy down the street (you always seemed real proud of him). But you told me I couldn’t be a teacher, that I am too harsh and I would be mean to the students. Ya know I really wanted to be a history teacher. Sorry I guess I am just too wrapped up in “being different and not fitting in” as you so eloquently like to put it. 

 

Oh and excuse me if I somehow miss your analogy about your brother going through a lot of hard times and difficulty and making it to the other side. Like I said he is a septic walrus cunt and may god strike me dead if making it through difficult times means ending up like that sorry sod. Because what I am “going through” is like nothing either you or he has ever experienced. 

 

Oh I’m sorry were you and your brother relinquished at birth? No, grandma and grandpa lived in the house next to ours, in fact you bought it for them so they could be close. That was sweet, I sure wish I could live next to the two people that birthed me. Were you and your brother sent off as infants to live in a place where your aesthetic is strikingly different than 99% of the community, lets say Africa for arguments sake. Nope I don’t think you can check that box in our list of “hard stuff my brother went through and made it out alright”. I could go on like this but I know your a busy man with a short attention span for yet another one of my adoption rants. (But hey let me let you in on a little secret. I actually just want you to listen. I want you to understand. I want your help because I am scared and I hate feeling this way.)

 

Oh and by the way don’t ever fucking say “we all have our difficulties, you just need to get over it”. I’ll get over it when I’m bloody dead. Only then will God himself be able to pry “this” from my cold lifeless heart. All of this is going to my grave. I hope that one day soon I will be able to walk side by side with this pain and understand it for what it is. I very much want to be able to live a “normal” life, but even I know this is something that I will never be able to just “get over”. For and old man you sure and naive. 

 

Let me just say one more thing. When ever you drop that marginalizing get over it bull shit, all you’re really doing is edging me closer to the point where I will walk away and sever all ties with this “family”. Hell I might even legally change my name back to the ones the foster folks gave me. 

 

Baik, Sung-Kyun…………..Sounds more authentic don’t you think. 

 

Well I sure am glad I started this blog. At least I don’t have to keep quite in here. Phewwww.

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