So I have been thinking a lot lately, mostly about myself. This is not unusual as I spend a lot of my time immersed in my own little world inside of my head. Many sleepless nights and unproductive days are wished away to a secluded room where the only sound is of the self pacing back and forth muttering back and forth to myself.

Thoughts are usually focused around the pain that I harbor inside. From different angles I approach this darkness, this shame. I cower at these stark entities that tower over me, shivering and immobilized by the fear. Alone in this place I wonder if it is normal or if I were to somehow escape would I cross paths with people who have been in this situation or have felt this way. Yes I wonder if maybe this is how it is supposed to be. But maybe it can be different and maybe there is a way away from this solitude.

Much criticism has been flung in my direction lately. Angry people present cold harsh tones merited towards my behavior. My distance, my flight, my seemingly lack of interest. And I could yell and scream and implore that they step inside this lonely place into which I escape. See if for themselves and feel what I have been feeling for a long time now. But no one seems to want to walk hand in hand with me through these dark quarters. I don’t blame them.

Escape……….what a funny choice of word. Escape usually implies a desertion from that which is not favorable and an assent to a better place. Escape to this place? This hard, cold, jagged place. I suppose it is not escape then more of a sentence. A term that I serve shackled up and bound to. It is of no wonder that no one wants to move along side me. No one would choose something so cruel and unusual. Doesn’t the Geneva Convention have some law against punishments like this?

Thats the thing about being a KAD isn’t it. We hurt and we pain over so many things, but always in silence and in seclusion. Whether it be fear of hurting our AP’s or an inability of closeness or fear of admitting our vulnerability, it’s always ours to carry. Like a large oak tree we posses a hefty core or trunk of burdens and from this core stems out many roots and branches. Some of which are plainly visible some of which are deep rooted and hidden to the plain eye. And even if we tackle the core and remove the trunk even down to the stump there is always roots that reach out and stay seeded and buried.

More metaphor’s, there is always more metaphor’s of what it is like to live like this, to be a KAD. But never any solutions or reprieve from these feelings. Is there anyone out there that can give me answers to any of this. I am scared because I know that for each and every one of us out there despite our similarities we each have come from a unique set of circumstances. So as I scour this TRA landscape I increasingly garner the idea that I may not find any satisfactory resolution for all of these negative feelings.

I just wish that I could make it all go away. That I could be alright for just one day. That I could last a time without having to drag more cigarette smoke or drink more alcohol. I hope that one day I wont feel the guilt of having to lead two lives, and keep up the facade of being happy and well adjusted. I do well for myself or so you think, but you try wearing this mask everyday. Try holding back and holding in all of the emotions I have rampaging around inside of me. Try hating yourself for something of which you had no control and no say over. For fuck sake just try being a minority in a majority. It is not easy.

I would like to be more objective and look at this with an even eye, but I can’t. I want to end this post with hope, but there is none, at least not right now. Increasing the volume won’t work, I guess they just won’t understand. Maybe part of me doesn’t want them to know. So I’ll just keep it inside for a while longer.

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