It has been brought to my attention quite a bit recently that my mind is slowly turning to mush. Over the past couple of weeks multiple friends, all from varying circles of people I associate with have been bringing to attention my lack of memory retention. It seems to be a problem.

Dinner on Friday for a long time friend whom I have known since the sixth grade kept bring up stories from the past that I have no recollection of. She seemed quite offended that I could forget these seemingly memorable events. Another friend of mine was pretty annoyed that he had to constantly remind me of the people he kept mentioning in stories of his past. (Although to my defense how am I supposed to remember things and people that have all to do with him and little or nothing to do with me) Another friend of mine is under the impression that she is of little importance to me since I never remember conversations we have or things we agreed on doing, even things that we have discussed recently.

For some reason (maybe because I am now aware of my memory problems) this weekend I tried closing my eyes and fingering through key points in my life. I was a bit disturbed to find that there are long periods that I seem unable to recall or access. Most of high school, my early college years, childhood, even the past few months are covered over. A blank void of nothingness is all that I am able to conjure up. But where did all these memories go? I have usually been known for possessing and vivid particular type of memory, but something has changed.

I don’t know if it is that I am subconsciously blocking these things out or if it is something else. Maybe its the fact that your gone and I just don’t care about much anymore. I guess I still haven’t come to terms with your passing and the utter solitude and futility I feel with it. Maybe thats it. Maybe I just feel that everything before you was unimportant and can thus be discarded. Or maybe everything after just will not compare to what you brought to my life. Could this be it? Is your death be what is causing me to loose my mind.

And my values and beliefs, what is happening to those. Those too are also gone, extinguished from my being. I told you about love and what it meant to me. How I thought it was the most important thing in a mans life and that all is rather trivial compared to love. But now I just don’t see it. I used to walk around with wide eyes and an open heart, viewing the world in beautiful hues, able to recollect past loves, and look forward to new ones. I would speak of love and you would call it mush and tell me to be serious. Mush. Thats how I feel now, but not the kind of mush you would scold me for. My mush now is more like porridge. Sloppy, gooey, gunk.

I have become jaded and wearied and nothing sticks. But maybe it is just the slate being wiped clean. Maybe I am clay waiting for a creative hand to mold me back in to some semblance of a man.

There are an awful lot of maybes to this. Your calming voice would be nice. If only I could hear it one more time then maybe I could figure this out. Would someone please help, I am a bit scared.

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