I must confess you sounded great. Your tone, your cadence, you vibrancy shone though. I didn’t think that would be our last conversation, but I’m glad I could make you laugh. That laugh of yours was brilliant. I imagine God himself would use your laugh to clear the sorrow from all mankind. For that is the effect your laugh had on me. It was as if all the good in the world poured out of your mouth when you laughed and this shall never leave me.

It pained me so to hear of all the things that displeased you, but still you laughed. Through gritted teeth I held back the anger and utter madness of it all. The injustices you endured tore at my heart, but still I withdrew. I knew that this conversation was for you and revealing my frustration with what you had told me would be no good.  I held hope that one day, many years from now you and I would look back and recall how hard it all was, and you would laugh.

It was not long after that call that I received the notice of your downward spiral and not long after that I was notified of your death. Were you finally ready to give up against all that was forced on to you? Did you know this was to be the last time we spoke? Were you satisfied to hear my voice one last time? I suppose that is all a bit vain, but when the day comes that we meet again I shall relinquish the answers I seek. For that moment I can not wait.

I am satisfied to know that I was the one you called moments before everything fell apart. I rejoice in the notion that I am the one you sought to share some of your last words with. Pleased I am to know that you are without the pain, that you lie sanguine for eternity.

You would have scorned me that night for being so foolish. So cavalier is my approach to life now. So nonchalant is my being, that you surely would be displeased. Inside my soul churns and writhes with pain and aggression, yet I stand still. The excess of alcohol and cigarettes only hides the real pain felt for your dismissal from this world. I reckon that I can burn this feeling out of my body and expel the sorrow. The more my stomach aches from the lash and the vapor, the more my throat chokes on the bile, the more acid and mash I let out, maybe this will make it go away. No, you would be very displeased by such a pathetic display.

The moon shines bright through the whispers of cloud above me. The silence that normally accompanies the night time is replaced by the soft whimpers and patting of tears as the fall to my breast. There is no more peace in my head as I lay under the stars, but only your voice and your laugh. Surely you would hate me right now, for you never wanted to be a burden. You did not want to cause me any sort of displeasure. But all of this is a testament to what you are and what you mean to me. I will not use the past tense as you were etched onto my soul from the first moment we spoke. And as I go forth you will aways be with me, ever present for the rest of my days.

Yours always,