This weekend I cried. It has been a while I must confess since I have actually wept. Years upon years of repressed emotion and heart piercing events have left me pretty inept in the crying department. There have been many instances as of late that should have dictated tears, but they never came. But when the Blackberry bussed and I read the email I couldn’t be bothered to hold it back anymore.

It confirmed what I had suspected for a few weeks now. God had seen fit to attempt to take away the one person I have meet in this lifetime that has made me feel at home. The one person who made me less alone in how I felt about the life cast upon me. The one person who’s personal stake in life was much harder than mine, and thus provided me a bit of perspective on what I felt was so bad in mine.

I could do little more than lie in bed, shades drawn, blankets covering, head buried in pillows, balling like a tiny babe. I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone and revel in this feeling that I was having. Equal parts, pain and sadness, and a sprinkling of hope and belief, permeated the whole of my being. I just couldn’t understand the scope of it all and struggled to wrap my head around the words I read over and over. And then I prayed.

Through the tears and through the whimpers I clutched my rosary and prayed. I implored with all of my heart for God to reverse the wheels he has thought so fit to set into motion. I asked for his wisdom to be reconsidered. It has come with much consternation that I can see as to why you would decide this is right in your grand scheme of things. I believe we all find ourselves asking why when massive events unfold in our lives, but this……this is too much. Why on earth would you decide to pile this on, at this time. Has she not given you enough, I mean what more than her life can she give. At this point nothing and at least I can see that you will never take her spirit. Nor will you take mine or that of those who care about her and want to see her persevere.

They say you have a plan and to trust in you, but I can’t see this. And if this goes off in the way in which it seems your planning, then I’m not sure how much longer I can follow you. I guess for now I will just trust that you will fix what you have bottled up, but even at that I am not sure I can follow you any longer. No one deserves  what you have cast upon her…….no one.

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