Maybe someone out there can help me with this. What do you do when all that you know is alien to you? When the only life you have ever known is so foreign that it scares you to wake up to every morning. This is how I have been feeling as of late and I guess I am just wondering if this feeling that I have is common amongst other adoptees.

I have come to the conclusion that it must be normal, but what do I do with it, how do I find some peace. The only family that I have is one that I no longer feel comfortable with. I feel totally disoriented from my surroundings, I feel lost. This life that was thrust upon me is no longer good enough to satisfy my needs. I want to leave (and hopefully will be leaving soon) but to where and to go to what? What kind of life will serve me well. Is it in Korea? I really don’t know. I feel like I have been longing for something that I don’t know. A mothers love, a fathers acceptance, a feeling that I blong somewhere and to someone.I know that my adoptive parents love me and I know that they care for me more than anyone else in my life. But this seems no longer good enough. In my heart it’s its not what I need. My adoptive parents will always be my true parents, and their love will always be special to me. But I need something else. What is it? What will satisfy this churning hunger inside me. Someone tell me. I just feel so lost. I wonder if my parents thought about what it would be like to take a child and place him into a life that will in my opinion always be unnatural to him.

We talked about some things the other night over dinner and I’m glad the restaurant was loud because my father and I are loud people and we both became quite animated over what we were discussing. He spoke of my mother and his desire to share their love for another child and I have always known this and always understood their love. But does that justify their purchase. They had a need and they filled it. I mean hey more power to them. There is in place a system that allows such needs to be met and they took advantage of it. But the ramifications that came along with their decision have had such an immense impact on not only myself but on the people that I share relationships with.(be they intimate or casual)I have seen in a lot of other blogs this idea or thought that adoptees often times find themselves torn between loyalties. Having to choose between feelings for the people who have provided in many ways for the child or for the parents the child has never known, yet feels so connected to. I feel so myopic when I think about this. I do feel part of me is betraying my adoptive parents when I shun their love and affection. I feel terrible that I long incessantly for a life that is the complete opposite of what the people who claim to love me most I turn my back on. But at the same time what do I owe them. I mean at this point in my life I am adult living the life I want to lead(or at least trying to) and up until this point I have given them exactly what they paid for. I provided them a person that they could love and be proud of(most of the time) and I will surely continue to do so. But again I feel as if I owe them nothing. They had a need in their life and they went out and filled it. I now as a big ol’ gown up have needs of my own and it is my right to go out and try and fill those needs.

But it hurts like hell. My head and my heart feel like they are going to burst with all of these intense emotions and thoughts. It is a bad day to say the least.But lets have a bit of a straightener about all of this. I love my adoptive parents to death and I am very grateful for the opportunities they have presented me. But am I grateful for being adopted, fuck no. However I suppose theres no sense gong on about something that can’t be changed. But I am sick and tired of feeing this way. I hated going out to dinner with them and being the only non-white person there. I hate them qualifying my introduction with “our adopted son”. I hate the stares we receive when we are out together in public. But most of all I hate feeling alone. I want them to understand why I feel the way I do. I want them to know why I would be satisfied leaving my life here behind and starting a new.

What I guess I really want is to not to have to hear them explain ever again why they adopted me and how much they love me. I don’t want an explanation. I don’t need one. I don’t think they know how much it hurts to have to hear them say the words, to tell the story. I don’t ever recall a time when my sister or my brother have received an explanation of where they came from or how they were conceived out of love. I guess its just one more thing that sets me apart from the rest of the family. And it hurts. I really can’t say how much it stings to hear them say “we just wanted to love and care for another child, so we adopted you”. FUCK.

Well thats enough for today. I feel like I’ve been rambling on for quite sometime, and I’m not quite sure if this is even coherent. Well heres to hoping UW accepts me. The sooner the better. A move can’t come soon enough.

–Cheers to an explanation

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