No one gets it, and again I find myself in that familiar lonely place. This feeling of isolation has been creeping in on me for sometime now. As much as things seem to be changing, there are some constants that remain. Feelings of abandonment, betrayal, loneliness, loss, and attachment(or lack there of). The past few weeks there have been minor events that have allowed these feelings to peek out from the shadows.As I sat there opposite my aesthetic twin I realized how how different we really are. I guess I had always known the truth about her, but I always hoped she would prove me wrong. All those years of people telling us how similar we were, how we could be brother and sister, people asking if we were twins separated at birth,(I particularly hated that one) all of this helped me believe in something that just isn’t there. Is it because to them we all look alike? or is it because we both put on the same mask that to them seems all to familiar? I don’t really know. One person said it was because we are both outgoing, friendly, bubbly, and warm. What she meant to say is you both have straight black hair, slanty eyes, your short, and have yellow skin. Fuck I’m feeling so petulant right now.I know the mask I put on for them and I know what lies beneath. I know the mask she wears and thought I knew what was lurking inside but that night confirmed it. In fact she said in plain English that she is just not the same as me; never has been and never will be. Maybe I am just a bit more demented than she, but I had hoped that I was not alone in the sentiments I held regarding adoption.I find this mask stifling and obtrusive. It withholds my true emotions and stunts my vision. And for the longest time I have worn it, afraid to unsheathe the person that resides inside. But I have learned to parallel the two, the person I am and the one they want me to be; although the angle is becoming more and more acute in regards to the later. Ahhh fresh air is a good thing and breathing is natural. It feels liberating to finally take it off. She on the other hand wears her mask in excess, I think she is afraid. She has been conditioned from the start that a good adoptee does as she is told, and that thinking out of color is highly frowned upon. Especially since her parents paid good money to keep up with the rest of the Jones’ in the neighborhood.She told me flat out. “Tim it’s weird listening to you. I have never felt those feeling of loss, anger, sadness, that you have felt. I have never given too much thought about it. I guess there is something wrong with me.” I felt bad. I have known her since I was eight or so years old. We are so very much a like. But when it comes to our views on being adopted and what it means to us; it is like we are night and day. Maybe she just banishes her thoughts and feelings away to some remote corner of her heart, or maybe shes like the little elephant in the circus that is conditioned enough to know she cant break free of her chains. I think it’s probably a bit of both. Either way I can see the light has gone out of her. She seems condemned to drift endlessly throughout life not being able to commit, not feeling connected to anything or anyone. Sometimes I envy her. I have opened the adoption box and it will forever have an effect on my life. Sometimes maybe not having to think about all of this would be nice. But this is the path I trod and I embrace it.But to know that there is one more KAD I have to cross of my list leaves me feeling that much more alone.–Adios Roc City

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