I know ahead of time that this post will be erratic to say the least. So for that I apologize. Why do I do that? Honestly why apologize, why be sorry. I have said I write for me and only me. I write to unburden myself. So that all of these thoughts and emotions can escape my cluttered soul. But always so proper I am, always so apologetic. My head feels like its going to burst. My heart is more heavy today than usual. I am nauseated and freezing. Somehow I managed to work myself up to the point that I am physically sick. I hope this does the trick.

You brought me into this world with or without much consideration. I will most likely never know. It is most certain however that I was unwilling to leave you. That is natural. At the time of birth what small, needy, unassuming child desires to know the pains of this world. They don’t. A mother, a parent, a human being has the instincts to protect and shelter her kin from the torment of life. What a sin to cast me out at such a tender age, to expose me to such perils. But I’ve learned.

Thank you, Baik Sung-Hwa.

You left me 22 years ago and who would have known what a great deal you would have left me with, in the arms of foster mother. It has taken some time for me to get a hold of all that is my birth right. All that you gave me upon relinquishing my existence.

Most kids, when their parents leave them in one form of another get a watch, or a trust fund, or a house. Not you though. You wanted something a bit more shall we say sentimental. Something that no mere amount of money could buy, something that I shall carry with me for the rest of my life.

Depression and a lack of resolve. That is my inheritance. And for these wonderful gifts I thank you. For without these precious things handed down by you I would not know the depth, darkness and sorrow of the human condition. Nor would I know how to respond and overcome such circumstances. Thanks you useless cunt.

I can now see clearly why it was that you felt so compelled to give me up in the first place. You must have suffered oh so much despair, stemming from this feeling of depression. Oh you poor poor soul. Then lacking the necessary resolve to be responsible and do what any creature that gives birth to another living being, should do you gave me up. So thanks.

If there is anything positive that I can take from this whole situation it would be despite lacking the natural love of I mother I have learned what love is. Although I am not sure at this point if I an capable of being loved, the least I am sure of is that I can feel love for another. I have also learned that two is most certainly better than one and that when you find love you must hold on to it and cherish it as if there was nothing else to covet in this world. Hopefully I will find that kind of love that opens these squinty eyes of mine and teaches me the rest of the equation and allows this tattered soul a bit of respite.

So thanks again Sung-Hwa you shambolic excuse for a human being. I hope that after you gave me up you grew a pair of stones and learned to love something, aside from putting dick in you.

–Adios number one prostitute in all of Incheon

I don’t mean to sound like whiny little prat, nor do I wish to rant. But sometimes it can not be helped. To day is just utter shit. But I get by.